Thursday, March 22, 2007

I'm struggling

I am on prednisone, I only have 3 more days to go before I'm off of it. I saw the doctor today, I have almost normally behaving lungs again. Which is really a gift, when you think about it.

Yet I'm about ready to go ballistic! This is a normal side effect of pred, but it is NOT pleasant. I feel as if I need an anger management class -- so I don't attack the next innocent (or not so innocent) person near by.

Sounds are attacking me. What is a normal, every day sound is actually an attack. The washing machine? I feel it in every fiber of my being, it affects my heartbeat, my lungs, and I feel the need to run away. The hum of the freezer is impinging on every atom of my being. Voices echo deep inside of me, I feel a need to run away or to attack.

Yesterday was the anniversary of J. S. Bach's birthday, XM Classics did an all day concert of his works. I normally LOVE his works. I had to turn it off, as the sounds were burrowing under my skin, ramping up the anxiety level.

Today I readily admit the fact that there were times I would have easily and GLADLY attacked someone, probably Howard. I was that mentally out of control. I even thought that anger management classes were a good idea, because I knew that I wasn't dealing well.

As the pred dissipates from my system, this will pass. But SHIT!

I woke up this morning sure that I had a migraine. I took the neat little migraine med, hoping for relief from the sensory overload. Didn't happen. I stayed wide awake, with every neuron on attack mode. This meant that I was too out of order to be able to work out, to try to get further under control. I redid my Excel exercise sheet, saying that I'd been unable to work out today because of my asthma.

Our denomination's watch phrase is from Gracie Allen, "Never place a period where God has placed a comma." Close enough for my purposes, when I'm having a hard time making sense. Tonight I put on my workout clothes. Who cares that I could feel every dratted loop of the cotton in the socks. That I could FEEL the talk between Howard and Serena in every fiber of my muscles. And I started on the Gazelle. At least I was able to get the anger in almost control. I took a break half way through, because I needed to check on clothes in the dryer. But, I finished the workout. And I'm doing better. I'm not where I normally am, but the pred isn't winning. Tonight. I nearly fell off the Gazelle several times, which is why I hadn't worked out earlier in the day. But I kept going. I think it made a difference.

And I'm almost off the pred.

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